Bright Lights, Big City

Once there was a man, truly a disciple of Tim. He lived simply, working, eating, driving a nice car, spending free hours at Tim Hortons and sometimes sleeping. He knew all of the priestesses by name. His place in the church was well known, and he was well-respected.
Then one day, he got "the call." He knew he must answer it. He knew it was from a higher power. He knew it was a job that would pay better, under better circumstances.

And he took it!

(Congrats, Tiny -- sorry I'm really late on this one!)

By The Light Of The Fire

I remember one day, while walking with a couple of friends -- Tiny and John -- along the Niagara River, looking across at Buffalo and thinking, "So this is Buffalo. I remember as I was growing up, hearing about all those fires in Cheektowaga, or Tonawanda. This is the place where Commander Tom came from."
Tiny chimed in and said, "Yeah, they always seem to have fires over there. I remember they used to have really big ones in the good ole days."

To which John added, "Yeah, I remember going over there with my matches..."

The Evil That Men Do

Sometimes people do the cruellest things to one another. For power, for greed, for jealousy (okay, I know someone once listed a bunch of "sins" along these lines somewhere...) or... just because they don't like someone.
It's a pity we can't all get along like the macaroons. Plain or chocolate, they're both good, and you don't need to decide to have one or the other -- you can have both just as easily. What's this got to do with people being nice to each other? Hey, wouldn't you feel good if someone brought you a dozen macaroons about now?

The Metaphysics of a TimBit

What happens to a TimBit after you chomp it down? Does it just fall apart, becoming nothing more than the cake batter it was in the beginning, inexorably destroyed in the act of satisfying? Or does it become something greater that itself, moving on into some greater being, serving some higher purpose?

Is a TimBit just empty calories, or is it a means to salvation? And can an individual really stop after just one TimBit? If there is something more, after the TimBit, or even beyond the donut (if your appetite craves just a bit more), then how would we ever know the truth? I mean, think about it. You eat the TimBit. You eat the donut. They become part of you, and yet they are not what they once were. What have they become? Have they made you greater in the act of their own end?

Careful not to eat too many of those things!

What Comes Around (Is Round?)

There are those who like to play games, in life and in donut shops. As the old saying goes, "What comes around goes around," and this couldn't be more true than in the donut shop of life. Like a stale donut can be tossed across a tabletop, bounced off the floor and rolled (with good enough timing) straight into the ladies room, those who play in the affairs of others will get tossed, too. Or be lost forever amongst whatever goes on in donut shop ladies rooms.

And I don't care to know just what that is, so I'll just sit and sip my coffee.

To Each Their Own

For every man, woman and child (especially the children!) there seems to be a favourite donut. And each donut is created equally in the eyes of Tim (only 70 cents each!) although size and amount of Boston Cream may vary, and some of the sprinkle donuts have more sprinkles. (This does exclude the fancies somewhat, but one expects to pay more for that kind of thing.)

Unlike other beliefs, where one may not partake of dairy and meat at the same time, or Friday has to be a fish day, and no, you can't have bacon with that, the happy Hortonist has a plethora of manna to choose from, and can enjoy different varieties even on the same day.

Of course, for special occasions, some forms of manna are more appropriate than others. For instance, in celebrating a lover's birthday, a red sprinkle donut or a happy-face cupcake is most appropriate. On the night when the Christians and pagans are running around in drag and other costumes, a cherry- or strawberry-filled donut may be just right for that "bleeding" effect. And, naturally, a Boston Cream is just right for any occasion.

And a snack pack of TimBits is also quite good for any group get-together.

Make Mine A Large

Here's where we get down to the nitty-gritty of things (and no, I'm not talking about the little bits of coconut that always get stuck in your teeth from the toasted coconut donuts!).

Simply put, the Hortonist faith believes one thing. Repeat after me, and you too can become a loyal Hortonist with ease:

"I believe I'll have another coffee!"

The Lord's Prayer

Near to his final days, Tim threw a big gathering in Forest Hill. He realized after seeing the droves of people that attended he had underplanned the menu, and had the people bring forth carafes of water, which he turned into coffee, and it rained donuts from the sky. Before this gathering, he told his most devout followers how he should be praised in the days to come, when the evil Starbuck's would attempt to sway his flock.

Our Tim, who art in Hortons,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy coffee's hot, Thy donuts fresh,
In each store as it is in Oakville.

Give us this day our daily coffee
And forgive us our sour cream glazed,
As we forgive those who ate all the
Boston Cream before us.

Lead us not into other coffee shops,
For Thine is the coffee, and the donuts,
Forever and ever,
Amen!

The Tim Commandments

The people of Canada were enslaved by the rule of Mister Donut for generations. They sought something new, freedom to choose something fresh and delivered to them in a friendly atmosphere. So it came to pass that Tim led the people away from the reign of Mister Donut, and they found their freedom. But in their freedom, they fell into decadence.

The people turned to Tim, asking for his guidance. Tim went into his kitchen and began to bake. And when he returned, he carried with him His Commandments, and of course His promise: Always Fresh.

Thou shalt have no other coffee before mine.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any cooler logo, or any travel mug or holder that is better than a Tim Tote or earthenware mug or make TimBits and call them "donut holes".

Thou shalt not whore thyself out to Starbucks, or any alleged gourmet coffee chain: for I, Tim, am a jealous God, and I'll hurl TimBits at your children and your children's children if I see them in there! Of course, I'll happily give you a snack pack for a mere $2.00!

Thou shalt not take the name of the Tim in vain; for Hortons will not serve you, or only serve you after a very long line-up ahead of you.

Remember that coffee always tastes best when it's twenty minutes fresh. Relax, have a donut or two with that!

Honour thy coffee and thy donuts: that thy days will be numbered from high cholesterol and overstimulation.

Thou shalt not kill. (Hey, it's common sense!)

Thou shalt not have coffee with another man's wife (or another woman's husband).

Thou shalt pay a fair price for fresh donuts and coffee.

Thou shalt not lie about whose coffee was more full, or whose snack pack had more TimBits left.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's coffee, nor his donuts.

Life Is A Donut

Tim once set out upon a long journey, walking many days and nights without finding rest. He had decided to travel across the land to contemplate the meaning life. One day, as he walked, he grew tired, and so he rested.

Tim sought out a comfortable place to sit, and found some cool shade beneath a sign which read, "Toujours Frais." There he sat, enjoying the coolness of the shade within the heat of summer. He rested his eyes, and held out a TimBit in either hand, ready to snack upon. Unbeknownst to Tim, the TimBits he had chosen were to shape his view of the meaning of life.

As Tim sat thinking and relaxing, he raised a TimBit to his lips, and tasted it. Chocolate. The dark side of nature. Sinfully sweet and delicious. He then tasted of the other TimBit, which was a powdered strawberry-filled, and enlightenment fell upon him as the filling dripped over his hand.

"Life is a donut!" Tim exclaimed, realizing that the powers of good and evil were constantly in balance with one another, just as the chocolate TimBit and the powdered TimBit both held their own power. The chocolate held sinful delight, but could not overcome the simple goodness of the powdered strawberry-filled!

And so it came to pass that Tim embraced both the chocolate and the powdered, the ying and the yang, the good and the evil, and found nirvana.

Tim In The Tabernacles

As a young child, Tim knew he was destined for greatness. He versed himself well in the tabernacles, partaking of the meager offerings of coffee and stale danishes available there. He preached to the vendors, telling them of their inferior wares, and warning them of the day of his coming.

Time passed, and Tim matured to greatness, becoming a high priest in the sacred tabernacles, and His followers worshipped him, albeit with false sacraments. The day finally arrived when Tim set forth to redeem his flock. And He said unto them, "Thou shalt not have any other coffee before Mine. Partake only of the true donuts, for when you take these sacraments, it is My blood and My flesh."

And thus it came to pass that Tim Hortons began to provide the masses with the holy water and the manna which, to this day, continue to nourish the hungry souls of His flock.

In The Beginning

In the beginning, there was nothing. And out of the nothing, Tim said, "This instant coffee sucks." And thus it came to be that on the first day, Tim made the coffee. And he tasted the coffee, and it was good.

On the second day, Tim was enjoying his coffee with a stale danish, and he saw that the danish could be improved. He set forth to improve the danish, and made it round, and tried adding sprinkles, and different fillings. He saw that the danish was now a donut, and it, too, was good.

Tim looked upon his new creations, and saw that there was potential here. And thus, on the third day, He opened Tim Hortons. And as the light passed over the land, Tim looked, and this was most excellent!

This ended the third day, and on the fourth day, when Tim Hortons had been closed overnight, Tim realized that he must continue to improve things. Thus, on the fourth day, Tim insisted His donuts and coffee be available 24 hours per day, and so it came to pass that the first 24 hour Tim Hortons was made.

Tim observed his work, and it was good. But it could be better. And so He, in his infinite wisdom, created the sour cream glazed and Boston Cream donuts, and they, too, were good. The people came in droves to taste His varieties, and thus the TimBits were also born.